Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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