my phone needs a breathalizer
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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