just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
