My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
