This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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