Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
