He uses pillows to masturbate.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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