I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
