its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
