I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
