Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You are the jesus of drinking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
