Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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