He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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