her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
