I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
