the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
