you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
