It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
