The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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