WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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