So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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