yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
