LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
