I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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