I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
