I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
