My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
