you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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