Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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