captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
