Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
