I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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