God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
