when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
