after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My ass is underappreciated
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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