Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
