Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
