Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
