well I can't set my house on fire every night
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
