The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
