You smell like a Billy Joel song
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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