apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
