so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
