I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
