and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
