yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
