Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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