My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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