two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
