I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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