Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
