Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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