I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
